speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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