Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
