How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
