If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
