DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
