I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
