It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
