So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
