I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
