your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So many bounce houses so little time
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You ruined the universe
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