if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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