Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
