booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
