Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
