Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
