you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
