Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
