Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
