this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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