His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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