eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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