Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
