ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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