My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
