oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
