how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
