So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
