Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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