3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
