I cannot find my penis.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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