I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
