It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
