And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
