Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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