just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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