I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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