Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
