Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
