big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
