what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
