My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
