It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
