girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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