Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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