smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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