You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
