so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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