I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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