How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
