yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
