So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
