We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize