gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
