Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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