my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
