Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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