Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
