did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
