I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
